Earlier today Pope Enabler CCLXIV announced his intentions to resign from the papacy. His rule has been infallible as usual, so we’re all heartbroken to see him go. But fear not! Don’t look at this as the end of a chapter, but rather a window opening. A Carl shaped window as I smash through the wall of the Vatican with a jug of Vodka laced Kool-Aid and my blood consisting primarily of nicotine and caffeine. I would like to formally announce my interest in being the next Pope.

The following is changes you can expect under the papacy of Pope Sidious the First:

1. All followers of the Catholic faith must stop wearing pants – Pants are binding and restrictive. Have you ever seen a guy in a sarong in a bad mood? Neither have I. Next order of business.
2. Priest are now allowed to have sex – It has been a long held belief that members of the clergy should abstain from sexual activity. Clearly this isn’t working. So I propose that we allow sexual activity for the members of the clergy that wish it. All sexual activity must be consensual and with adult members of the Holy Roman Harem (see point three for more information.)
3. Establishment of Holy Roman Harem – All members of the Church that have contracted illness and disease from the policies of the Catholic church may choose to join the Harem. The church will provide food, lodging, and healthcare for all these people. While it is a harem in name, it isn’t a traditional harem in any sense. It will be not be restricted to only women. Members of the Harem are not required to have sex with clergy members, but those with incurable illness are highly encouraged to volunteer.
4. Condoms use will be allowed – The church will reverse its stand on condoms. While condom use is allowed, they can’t be used for sex and can only be used for urination while away from a proper bathroom. Baby steps here people.
5. All incense used in holy rituals will be replaced with marijuana – You’re welcome.
6. Wine during communion – There will be major changes to the way wine in communion is handled. Wine will no longer be free, but the portions will be greatly increased. Communion will now be administered before the service, with a discount on wine being offered the hour before its start. This timeframe shall henceforth be referred to as “The Holy Roman Happy Hour.” Communion will now be offered to non-Catholics, available to all comers until 2am on weekdays, 4am on Friday and Saturday. Sacramental bread will also be replaced with sacramental boneless wings.

Stay tuned for more announcements from His Holiness Pope Sidious the First.



Feel my holy girth and despair.

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